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Itapos;s official. My assessments and psychiatric notes were looked over and a diagnosis was made tonight.

I copied this into my sketchbook when I got back to the waiting room.
"Consistent irritability. Disregard for your own well-being. Lack of remorse for anything done regardless of intention. A tendency to be superficial in terms of kindness. A consistent inability to make and/or keep friends have all been present...???"

Iapos;m still in denial somewhat. I guess I have a biased view of APD like everyone else, which makes me want to run away from it. Still, who decides what a "normal" personality is? To me, this has always felt "normal".

Sometimes I really wonder if psychology is a field I want to involve myself with.
Like I said before, everyoneapos;s insane. Fuck this.

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Youapos;d think that people would learn from making mistakes, not to keep on repeating them. Youapos;d hope hat they wouldnapos;t want to anyway



Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

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First off, I want to thank sakushablue for my hug.�It came at a perfect time, and made me warm all over. Iapos;ve still got a lot to figure out on live journal--like how to send a thank-you for something like that. There didnapos;t seem to be a way to respond directly. Time for me to do some practicing on this site, eh? At any rate, a huge thank you to a dear friend
Next, I�spent today climbing a mountain. Yep. My whole married life my husband never let me go anywhere alone that was more than an hourapos;s drive. (Smothered much?) I couldnapos;t even drive three hours to New Hampshire to see my sister--he always had to come along--in case anything happened. Sheesh.
So...in honor of my new status as someone he apparently couldnapos;t give a shit about...I took off and drove three hours away to Samapos;s Point in New York. (Look it up Itapos;s cool) Itapos;s a sort of obscure place, which apparently is known mostly to locals. But one of my customers at work told me about it and showed me pictures, and I got a hankering to go. So I did. All by myself
And I didnapos;t get a flat tire, break down, run out of gas, or get lost. I did, however, manage to scrape the heck out of my knee clambering about in the rocks near the ice caves. And lemme tell ya...itapos;s no picnic hiking five miles when youapos;re still trying to recover from anemia. I�had to stop and sit for half an hour and eat an apple to get my sugar and energy level up enough to continue. For a brief moment, I thought I might suffer the indignity of having to get help. But I rested, regrouped, and walked another three miles after that first bout of exhaustion. (It was right after the most strenuous trail.)
The upshot of all this--I ache from head to toe. I took a long, hot bath, and have chicken roasting in the oven. And of course, my husband was apparently off with his girlfriend today, cuz heapos;s not home. (No, I havenapos;t gotten the bum thrown out yet--these things take time. And believe me, I want him out. Having to live in the same house is torture.)
Well, anyway, after pampering myself, putting on warm jammies and lotion on my aching feet, I feel much better. And when supperapos;s ready, Iapos;ll be better yet. Just wanted to share my little March of Independence with you guys. It was my symbolic journey to freedom, yapos;know? I suppose itapos;s fitting that it wasnapos;t without pain. Nothing worth having ever is. (Gods, Iapos;m so philosophical tonight)
Anyhow, Iapos;m off to eat and bed...this has rambled on long enough. Those of you who read the whole thing, wow Iapos;m impressed. Everyone else shouldapos;ve fallen asleep after the first paragraph Love you guys

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Hadnapos;t been in ages.� Woke up to a beautiful day.� Remembered Fern Lake near Cumberland Gap National Historic Park.� Dithered over whether to drive the canoe up there when I didnapos;t know if I could actually get access to the lake.� Decided to go anyway, rationalizing that if there was no canoeing available I would just go hiking in the park instead.� Tried out new canoe brackets I got for Christmas; they attach to the bars of my Yakima rack and cradle the canoe so it canapos;t shift from side to side.� It took me an extra 20 minutes or so to put them on, but they worked very well indeed.� Speed approached 70 mph in some of the good stretches of highway, and the canoe showed no sign of shifting around (I still strapped it down properly, of course; it wasnapos;t *all* the brackets.)

Lovely day, trees changing colors, beautiful blue sky.� Couldnapos;t access Fern Lake; apparently itapos;s privately owned.� Though the park may buy it soon they donapos;t expect to allow people to put their own boats on it, as theyapos;re worried about invasive non-native species.� Though, frankly, Patience is clean as a whistle, but never mind.

Five miles north was Cannon Creek Lake, reachable off a small back road (thank Garmin the not-Lost for guiding me in and out.)� Only one other boat on the lake, quietly fishing.� One group of campers with a single tent.� What kind of weirdos would go out to the wilderness and then run a generator the whole time--I ask you.� But it was possible to explore the inlets and byways of the lake and get nicely away from the noise.� I filled up my ears with birdsong and treewhispers and the gurgle of water around the paddle and under Patienceapos;s hull.� It was one of those days when both the shade of the hills and the golden wash of sunlight were pleasant in their own way.� The water was very green, but reasonably clear for this area.� I took some pictures; nothing special, I donapos;t think; just hills and trees and lake and such.� If they turn out well, I may put some up.

Then I went back to the car and filled up a whole garbage bag with trash people had left lying around the boat ramp.� Sigh.� But I do think the place looked much nicer when I finished.

Now my back is sore.� But Iapos;m glad I went.� Itapos;s only about 60 miles away; I expect Iapos;ll be back.
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